Don’t write

I tell myself not to write
Because I five too deep
But then, I fall
Into a world to easy to keep

Of tinder dates that fall in love or to never been seen again
Of short 6 second videos that teach me nothing or bring up pain

I tell myself not the start writing because I’ll be depressed again.

But how bad can life be
Sat here listening to quiet tv
And chatter
In one room and quiet resource
Evelyn Stein in this room
Quiet

With the sound of rain falling into the deck
And the song has now changed

to the Hymn of the sea by James Korner

And now I feel like although I don’t believe in god,
maybe a Spotify one exists.

He knows who I am better than you do
She knows what I need more that you do
They know more about me than you could ever do.

Because I am nothing but my habits,
I am nothing but my thoughts and my soul,
I am nothing but todays playlist,
I am nothing but todays goal.

dried up paint

Scraping dried up paint from under my fingernails
With a 2H
Writing shit with too many details
Its getting late

Lying down by my book
Kept company by my pencils
And my phone
But its only decoration right now

I love it when an addiction is just decor
I could be using it but I wouldn’t know what for
To pick you up
To start to scroll
But I don’t
To want to drink
A glass of wine
But I wont

To smoke a cigarette, to think about you...
But I do


I love it when I write
Because nothing really means anything
Apart from one word at a time
And everyone thinks it does
That theres a theme or a deeper meaning
That I thought about before I finished it
I didn’t
There isn’t
Its just me talking in my head
If my brain could talk
Its just the shit it woulda said
I find meaning in my writing
But I don’t write with meaning
I write with a pencil
And dried up paint

trigger

I sometimes loose control of my body

My hands smack into my head repeatedly

My eyes water with no end

My heart rushes and bangs through my chest

This can be caused when I have strong feelings that my brain can’t process.

I wanted to sleep for hours and I couldn’t

I wanted to feel cared for and I didn’t

I wanted to be respected and I wasn’t

So my body shut down, everything went to the beat of my heart

My hands came up, and my knuckles got bruised, and my scalp got cut, and my head wanted to lose.

I woke up the next day and saw the torn up sheet from all my shaking

I woke up and felt my hands aching

I woke up and my heart hadn’t yet stopped

The worst part is, is that normally I trigger this, with dark thoughts or loss of hope

But this time it was people, who I loved or thought I did

And so my world has crashed, and behind the pretty paintings I now see all the ash

So this is the time for me, and new beginnings, and people who I admire and look up to, not people who held knifes behind each others back.

Im not being used or abused or taken for granted

I’ll do some yoga and reflect, and not give any more chances.

insomnia

I made myself believe in monsters

And demons and ghosts

Because they were the explanations

That I could get away with the most

Instead of explaining my mental health

I could blame it on my imagination

On my lack of education

But no

Its insomnia

Its stress

Its anxiety and depression

That wrap me up in bed

And they keep my eyes wide open and red

They keep the pressure in my head

The pain in my body

They keep me from getting help

I called them monsters

and monsters they are

Taylot

Evolve

Evolution kicks in when everything is nearly extinct

and dies

I’ve died so many times

Too many failed tries

Was I dying, or just trying

to change my life

Because it did, and I grew stronger and kinder and weaker where I need

And I learnt so many lessons I am now able to teach

I came so far, places I never thought I’d reach

I don’t think I really wanted it to end

I just wanted it to all be different

and different… it is

Taylor

With many failed attempts behind me, I still struggle everyday and night, but I know how much I have not only helped myself but others. I am proud of having the courage to share my past, because I’m making a change in the future. Who knows if I can save myself, or someone else, but I will live everyday as a support for people who need it, giving out the advice I cant always give to myself. I hope my story doesn’t end soon, because darkness is beautiful and strong.

Fall or fly

And I fall sometimes

I fall

Or am I just flying

It feels like Im dying

Yet weightless

Every problem off my shoulder

Am I gliding? Surviving?

Or will I hit the ground in a crash

I never know how far down I’ll go

Before my wings open up again

But Im scared that one day they wont

Taylor

Healing

My nails are growing again

Im not happy yet

But Ive lost the habit of tearing myself apart because of it

My body is healing

It wont be the same

But Ive started to love the history it has and holds

Im growing, slowly, up towards the sun

Lets hope a drought is not going to come

Because for now

Look at me

Taylor

sailor

Drowning in the sea

As I see how far you have gotten

I watch you sail into the sunset

You may come across another storm

But for now you are safe and warm

You may have a few scratches and leaks

But my god do you look beautiful

As you rock side to side

Stably over the waves

Stably

Taylor

Drowning in the sea is a metaphor for crying so much as I see a dear friend be in a better condition and place in their life. The strength they must have had amazes me, and moves me. Heres to you, and everyone else that overcomes their life difficulties. There will always be another storm, but you did well sailing through this one 🙂 xx