Scraping dried up paint from under my fingernails
With a 2H
Writing shit with too many details
Its getting late
Lying down by my book
Kept company by my pencils
And my phone
But its only decoration right now
I love it when an addiction is just decor
I could be using it but I wouldn’t know what for
To pick you up
To start to scroll
But I don’t
To want to drink
A glass of wine
But I wont
To smoke a cigarette, to think about you...
But I do
I love it when I write
Because nothing really means anything
Apart from one word at a time
And everyone thinks it does
That theres a theme or a deeper meaning
That I thought about before I finished it
I didn’t
There isn’t
Its just me talking in my head
If my brain could talk
Its just the shit it woulda said
I find meaning in my writing
But I don’t write with meaning
I write with a pencil
And dried up paint
Tag: mental
Night
A bright dark blue sky
A moonlit road
A bright sunny moon
Maybe I should wear my sunglasses
Maybe I should kiss you
You dont get day night time
Very often
And neither do I
You called me a man
I kinda liked it
I dont think Im a man
But Im not always a woman
So just call me Taylor
Because that is who I am
trigger
I sometimes loose control of my body
My hands smack into my head repeatedly
My eyes water with no end
My heart rushes and bangs through my chest
This can be caused when I have strong feelings that my brain can’t process.
I wanted to sleep for hours and I couldn’t
I wanted to feel cared for and I didn’t
I wanted to be respected and I wasn’t
So my body shut down, everything went to the beat of my heart
My hands came up, and my knuckles got bruised, and my scalp got cut, and my head wanted to lose.
I woke up the next day and saw the torn up sheet from all my shaking
I woke up and felt my hands aching
I woke up and my heart hadn’t yet stopped
The worst part is, is that normally I trigger this, with dark thoughts or loss of hope
But this time it was people, who I loved or thought I did
And so my world has crashed, and behind the pretty paintings I now see all the ash
So this is the time for me, and new beginnings, and people who I admire and look up to, not people who held knifes behind each others back.
Im not being used or abused or taken for granted
I’ll do some yoga and reflect, and not give any more chances.
Woman
As a woman
Ive started to notice sexism in my social life. If I’m seen giving orders it’s “micromanaging” “okay mum” “controlling” where as if a man does these things he is listened to, its “teaching” or “helping”.
I allowed myself to be held by men in a way that made me feel uncomfortable but “was just friendly”, talked to and about hyper sexually as an object to be seen and touched.
As a woman I am starting to be scared at how much I can see is based on nothing but my gender, no matter how much I know about an area, there will always be a dumber, more stupid man being listened to by many more.
When I use my sexuality to my advantage, as a way to make money, and to gain confidence. It’s seen as easy, a waste.
Keep on telling myself
You love to hard
Not hard enough
No one will like you
You act too tough
Open your doors
But only a crack
If not they will swing
All the way back
And no ones ready for your demons
No ones ready for the truth
So just smile and tell a lie
There’s too many people to lose
Not ready to say goodbye
Taylor
You can’t ask a broken person
To believe your words with no actions
With contrary reactions
With promises unkept
You can’t ask me to believe that you love me
When what I want is just hug me
All I need is a friend
I can’t feel loved if you leave me
I can’t feel loved if you don’t care
I want to feel like you need me
But you only try to get me out your hair
Taylor Hopewell
machine me
My scars don’t define me
They are merely scratches on the surface of this body
This body that I hold
I am my body and my past, but it is not me
That’s how I gain my confidence
By knowing I am so much more than my physical
I’m actually not what’s visible at all
I am a mind, and a soul, that can’t be seen only felt
Can not be explained only experienced
I love the body that contains me
Even tho it has been harmed
I love the bones that keep me upright
Structures and alarmed,
with triggers and buttons that only I know best
But I am missing one button that allows me to rest
I know the procedure, but don’t have the code
My body is a machine, that I must decipher
If I want to be released from this world
I must try to figure out combinations and patterns and passwords
To fully experience myself, I must understand the key
To unlocking to door, to set me free
My body is mine, but it is not me
The world is a place that I can’t quite see
Can’t see past the glass windows mistaken for eyes
or feel past the sensors thought to be skin
or the control centre…my mind
Taylor
My purpose
And I will drown myself in water
Because they have taken away the pills
And the alcohol
I will pour everything I can down the sink
Because my blood no longer flows from my skin
They took away the blades
But they didn’t take away the pain within
I will deafen myself with music because they no longer let me scream
Because screaming is a cry for help and I don’t want it
I don’t want to get better because this is what I know
I don’t want to change because I’ve never been a better writer than right now
But even now im still shit
And I don’t know how else to deal with pain
Of the lack of it
I know I should feel upset but all I feel is inspiration
I know I should be angry, but all I see is words
And all I hear is words
That might not rhyme
But my god do they sound good to me
So I’m sorry for what I’ve caused or what feelings this ignites within you
But maybe that’s my purpose
And I’m really looking for things to keep me alive
So if that’s the one
Then I’ll take what I can get
Burnt and drowning
Sunkisses can turn to burns
Water glissens can cause concerns
because too much and your drowning
wet and hot and burnt
But isnt pain and pleasure to die for
so many lessons to learn
Taylor