Eating

Why have I still not eaten breakfast at a time where some people would be having lunch?

Why do I eat all day when Im stressed or away?

Why do I love eating but also love hunger?

Taylor

Sorry

I’m sorry for hurting you

Just because I had to doesn’t mean its not true

I needed to put myself first

But the pain was put through you

I had to let you go

So I could grow

I’m sorry… but

Maybe you should try it too

Taylor

my purpose

And I will drown myself in water

Because they have taken away the pills

And the alcohol

I will pour everything I can down the sink

Because my blood no longer flows from my skin

They took away the blades

But they didn’t take away the pain within

I will deafen myself with music because I no longer want to scream

Because screaming is a cry for help and I don’t want it

I don’t want to get better because this is what I know

I don’t want to change because I’ve never been a better writer than right now

But even now I’m still shit

And I don’t know how else to deal with pain

Of the lack of it

I know I should feel upset but all I feel is inspiration

I know I should be angry, but all I see is words

And all I hear is words

That might not rhyme

But my god do they sound good to me

So I’m sorry for what I’ve caused or what feelings this ignites within you

But maybe that’s my purpose

And I’m really looking for things to keep me alive

So if that’s the one

Then I’ll take what I can get

Taylor

I wrote this mid break-down (if you couldn’t tell) and its although quite sad, its powerful, its me saying that I have this reason to live, however silly it may be, and times might be rough but I will hold on to it.

I know I can't but I'll try

I’m sorry for saying I was okay 

I’m sorry for wiping off my tears 

And brushing it all away 

I’m sorry for not warning you 

Of all that I was 

 and all I could do 

See, I’m a fucking monster 

Made out of hate and lies 

From the pile of regret 

And constant despise  

of myself 

But for me there was no cure 

Just things to hold it off 

But I never felt secure 

See the pills took away my hunger 

And deprived me of my sleep 

I guess I wasn’t suicidal 

Because tired and hungry was all I could be 

They took my passions away

They told me it would only make it worse 

But paintings of people in pain 

Made my pain feel less like a curse  

So I’ve come to the conclusion 

That I’ll never be okay 

Ill just have to get through the years 

Day by day 

And I know I cant do it 

But trust me ill try 

To stay alive

Taylor

This is an old poem, 2-3 years ago. I don’t agree with this mindset anymore but at that time I had a bad experience with antidepressants, and people judged my artwork, for being black and white and scary. I was filled with this self-hatred, which made me judge others who were enjoying their time. Its a very personal poem, that I could rant about each little meaning, but I’ll leave that for another day. 🙂

I'm not easy

I will never be easy

Easily pushed aside

I will always fight back

And I’m so sorry it hurts

having one of your puppets misbehave

But I am not your fucking puppet

Not even after my grave

I will never allow myself to be twisted and bent

for the likes of someone else

Because I have gone through to much shit

to ever go through it again

Taylor

I’ve learnt to not let myself be pushed around, or used.. which is probably one of the most important things I’ve learnt from life, to understand my worth and not let people belittle you.