Don’t write

I tell myself not to write
Because I five too deep
But then, I fall
Into a world to easy to keep

Of tinder dates that fall in love or to never been seen again
Of short 6 second videos that teach me nothing or bring up pain

I tell myself not the start writing because I’ll be depressed again.

But how bad can life be
Sat here listening to quiet tv
And chatter
In one room and quiet resource
Evelyn Stein in this room
Quiet

With the sound of rain falling into the deck
And the song has now changed

to the Hymn of the sea by James Korner

And now I feel like although I don’t believe in god,
maybe a Spotify one exists.

He knows who I am better than you do
She knows what I need more that you do
They know more about me than you could ever do.

Because I am nothing but my habits,
I am nothing but my thoughts and my soul,
I am nothing but todays playlist,
I am nothing but todays goal.

dried up paint

Scraping dried up paint from under my fingernails
With a 2H
Writing shit with too many details
Its getting late

Lying down by my book
Kept company by my pencils
And my phone
But its only decoration right now

I love it when an addiction is just decor
I could be using it but I wouldn’t know what for
To pick you up
To start to scroll
But I don’t
To want to drink
A glass of wine
But I wont

To smoke a cigarette, to think about you...
But I do


I love it when I write
Because nothing really means anything
Apart from one word at a time
And everyone thinks it does
That theres a theme or a deeper meaning
That I thought about before I finished it
I didn’t
There isn’t
Its just me talking in my head
If my brain could talk
Its just the shit it woulda said
I find meaning in my writing
But I don’t write with meaning
I write with a pencil
And dried up paint

trigger

I sometimes loose control of my body

My hands smack into my head repeatedly

My eyes water with no end

My heart rushes and bangs through my chest

This can be caused when I have strong feelings that my brain can’t process.

I wanted to sleep for hours and I couldn’t

I wanted to feel cared for and I didn’t

I wanted to be respected and I wasn’t

So my body shut down, everything went to the beat of my heart

My hands came up, and my knuckles got bruised, and my scalp got cut, and my head wanted to lose.

I woke up the next day and saw the torn up sheet from all my shaking

I woke up and felt my hands aching

I woke up and my heart hadn’t yet stopped

The worst part is, is that normally I trigger this, with dark thoughts or loss of hope

But this time it was people, who I loved or thought I did

And so my world has crashed, and behind the pretty paintings I now see all the ash

So this is the time for me, and new beginnings, and people who I admire and look up to, not people who held knifes behind each others back.

Im not being used or abused or taken for granted

I’ll do some yoga and reflect, and not give any more chances.

Woman

As a woman

Ive started to notice sexism in my social life. If I’m seen giving orders it’s “micromanaging” “okay mum” “controlling” where as if a man does these things he is listened to, its “teaching” or “helping”.

I allowed myself to be held by men in a way that made me feel uncomfortable but “was just friendly”, talked to and about hyper sexually as an object to be seen and touched.

As a woman I am starting to be scared at how much I can see is based on nothing but my gender, no matter how much I know about an area, there will always be a dumber, more stupid man being listened to by many more.

When I use my sexuality to my advantage, as a way to make money, and to gain confidence. It’s seen as easy, a waste.

Lifeless

I wasn’t ready for you

Like a bird that can’t yet fly

How could I teach you to

Lifeless

Drained of all my strength

Drained of life

Lifeless

Is how I was left

But I’m back

And I’m teaching myself how to fly

So one day you will too

And I’ll be soaring through the skies

Before I ever get to meet you

Because I need to go through the worst

To teach you to navigate a storm

And feel the best

So that you can always feel my warmth

But today was not the time

As I have yet to build a nest

But one day I hope I will feel your life against my chest

Taylor Hopewell

I was young

I was young and dumb

it started by carving my hand

with the nail on my thumb

But then I started etching my doodles

into my skin

Before I knew what self-harm was

I had no way of stopping it

It started as art

then became a control

Controlling depression

Trying to lessen

Never learning the lesson

On how else do I deal with all this shit unless I can show it

You need battle scars to prove your battle

So I make them

And I use them as a diary

I can trace each one back to a day or an episode

I can remember how shit I felt

And I can see that I have no fresh ones

Theres a lot of bare skin

So there must be something coming

There must be something on its way

But it’s been so long now

And nothings changed

Have I left it all behind?

Or will I fall again

Fall or fly

And I fall sometimes

I fall

Or am I just flying

It feels like Im dying

Yet weightless

Every problem off my shoulder

Am I gliding? Surviving?

Or will I hit the ground in a crash

I never know how far down I’ll go

Before my wings open up again

But Im scared that one day they wont

Taylor

I know I can’t but I’ll try

I’m sorry for saying I was okay 

I’m sorry for wiping off my tears 

And brushing it all away 

I’m sorry for not warning you 

Of all that I was 

 and all I could do 

See, I’m a fucking monster 

Made out of hate and lies 

From the pile of regret 

And constant despise  

of myself 

But for me there was no cure 

Just things to hold it off 

But I never felt secure 

See the pills took away my hunger 

And deprived me of my sleep 

I guess I wasn’t suicidal 

Because tired and hungry was all I could be 

They took my passions away

They told me it would only make it worse 

But paintings of people in pain 

Made my pain feel less like a curse  

So I’ve come to the conclusion 

That I’ll never be okay 

Ill just have to get through the years 

Day by day 

And I know I cant do it 

But trust me ill try 

To stay alive

Taylor

This is an old poem, 2-3 years ago. I don’t agree with this mindset anymore but at that time I had a bad experience with antidepressants, and people judged my artwork, for being black and white and scary. I was filled with this self-hatred, which made me judge others who were enjoying their time. Its a very personal poem, that I could rant about each little meaning, but I’ll leave that for another day. 🙂

Behind me

I’ve left it behind

but it still drags along

attached to my ankles by a chain.

I left it behind

but I’m not too strong

Its starting to drive me insane.

I thought it was gone

but I can feel its weight

making every step harder

with every step that I take.

Taylor

“leave it” “forget about it” these sayings that people constantly throw don’t work for most people, as they haven’t processed it, or acknowledged something and therefore when they do this, they slowly feel it pulling them back because they never fully were able to let go.