Tag: blog

Woman

As a woman

Ive started to notice sexism in my social life. If I’m seen giving orders it’s “micromanaging” “okay mum” “controlling” where as if a man does these things he is listened to, its “teaching” or “helping”.

I allowed myself to be held by men in a way that made me feel uncomfortable but “was just friendly”, talked to and about hyper sexually as an object to be seen and touched.

As a woman I am starting to be scared at how much I can see is based on nothing but my gender, no matter how much I know about an area, there will always be a dumber, more stupid man being listened to by many more.

When I use my sexuality to my advantage, as a way to make money, and to gain confidence. It’s seen as easy, a waste.

Keep on telling myself

You love to hard

Not hard enough

No one will like you

You act too tough

Open your doors

But only a crack

If not they will swing

All the way back

And no ones ready for your demons

No ones ready for the truth

So just smile and tell a lie

There’s too many people to lose

Not ready to say goodbye

Taylor

You can’t ask a broken person

To believe your words with no actions

With contrary reactions

With promises unkept

You can’t ask me to believe that you love me

When what I want is just hug me

All I need is a friend

I can’t feel loved if you leave me

I can’t feel loved if you don’t care

I want to feel like you need me

But you only try to get me out your hair

Taylor Hopewell

machine me

My scars don’t define me

They are merely scratches on the surface of this body

This body that I hold

I am my body and my past, but it is not me

That’s how I gain my confidence

By knowing I am so much more than my physical

I’m actually not what’s visible at all

I am a mind, and a soul, that can’t be seen only felt

Can not be explained only experienced

I love the body that contains me

Even tho it has been harmed

I love the bones that keep me upright

Structures and alarmed,

with triggers and buttons that only I know best

But I am missing one button that allows me to rest

I know the procedure, but don’t have the code

My body is a machine, that I must decipher

If I want to be released from this world

I must try to figure out combinations and patterns and passwords

To fully experience myself, I must understand the key

To unlocking to door, to set me free

My body is mine, but it is not me

The world is a place that I can’t quite see

Can’t see past the glass windows mistaken for eyes

or feel past the sensors thought to be skin

or the control centre…my mind

Taylor

insomnia

I made myself believe in monsters

And demons and ghosts

Because they were the explanations

That I could get away with the most

Instead of explaining my mental health

I could blame it on my imagination

On my lack of education

But no

Its insomnia

Its stress

Its anxiety and depression

That wrap me up in bed

And they keep my eyes wide open and red

They keep the pressure in my head

The pain in my body

They keep me from getting help

I called them monsters

and monsters they are

Taylot

Evolve

Evolution kicks in when everything is nearly extinct

and dies

I’ve died so many times

Too many failed tries

Was I dying, or just trying

to change my life

Because it did, and I grew stronger and kinder and weaker where I need

And I learnt so many lessons I am now able to teach

I came so far, places I never thought I’d reach

I don’t think I really wanted it to end

I just wanted it to all be different

and different… it is

Taylor

With many failed attempts behind me, I still struggle everyday and night, but I know how much I have not only helped myself but others. I am proud of having the courage to share my past, because I’m making a change in the future. Who knows if I can save myself, or someone else, but I will live everyday as a support for people who need it, giving out the advice I cant always give to myself. I hope my story doesn’t end soon, because darkness is beautiful and strong.

My purpose

And I will drown myself in water

Because they have taken away the pills

And the alcohol

I will pour everything I can down the sink

Because my blood no longer flows from my skin

They took away the blades

But they didn’t take away the pain within

I will deafen myself with music because they no longer let me scream

Because screaming is a cry for help and I don’t want it

I don’t want to get better because this is what I know

I don’t want to change because I’ve never been a better writer than right now

But even now im still shit

And I don’t know how else to deal with pain

Of the lack of it

I know I should feel upset but all I feel is inspiration

I know I should be angry, but all I see is words

And all I hear is words

That might not rhyme

But my god do they sound good to me

So I’m sorry for what I’ve caused or what feelings this ignites within you

But maybe that’s my purpose

And I’m really looking for things to keep me alive

So if that’s the one

Then I’ll take what I can get

Unseen

Tripping over reality

Or under it

And seeing the unseen

What we cannot observe through the naked eye

Not even with enhanced vision

Unlocking corners of our mind

Observing a collision

Between reality and something else

But what is the something else that remains unseen

And will there come a day where it can be

Taylor