Don’t write

I tell myself not to write
Because I five too deep
But then, I fall
Into a world to easy to keep

Of tinder dates that fall in love or to never been seen again
Of short 6 second videos that teach me nothing or bring up pain

I tell myself not the start writing because I’ll be depressed again.

But how bad can life be
Sat here listening to quiet tv
And chatter
In one room and quiet resource
Evelyn Stein in this room
Quiet

With the sound of rain falling into the deck
And the song has now changed

to the Hymn of the sea by James Korner

And now I feel like although I don’t believe in god,
maybe a Spotify one exists.

He knows who I am better than you do
She knows what I need more that you do
They know more about me than you could ever do.

Because I am nothing but my habits,
I am nothing but my thoughts and my soul,
I am nothing but todays playlist,
I am nothing but todays goal.

dried up paint

Scraping dried up paint from under my fingernails
With a 2H
Writing shit with too many details
Its getting late

Lying down by my book
Kept company by my pencils
And my phone
But its only decoration right now

I love it when an addiction is just decor
I could be using it but I wouldn’t know what for
To pick you up
To start to scroll
But I don’t
To want to drink
A glass of wine
But I wont

To smoke a cigarette, to think about you...
But I do


I love it when I write
Because nothing really means anything
Apart from one word at a time
And everyone thinks it does
That theres a theme or a deeper meaning
That I thought about before I finished it
I didn’t
There isn’t
Its just me talking in my head
If my brain could talk
Its just the shit it woulda said
I find meaning in my writing
But I don’t write with meaning
I write with a pencil
And dried up paint

trigger

I sometimes loose control of my body

My hands smack into my head repeatedly

My eyes water with no end

My heart rushes and bangs through my chest

This can be caused when I have strong feelings that my brain can’t process.

I wanted to sleep for hours and I couldn’t

I wanted to feel cared for and I didn’t

I wanted to be respected and I wasn’t

So my body shut down, everything went to the beat of my heart

My hands came up, and my knuckles got bruised, and my scalp got cut, and my head wanted to lose.

I woke up the next day and saw the torn up sheet from all my shaking

I woke up and felt my hands aching

I woke up and my heart hadn’t yet stopped

The worst part is, is that normally I trigger this, with dark thoughts or loss of hope

But this time it was people, who I loved or thought I did

And so my world has crashed, and behind the pretty paintings I now see all the ash

So this is the time for me, and new beginnings, and people who I admire and look up to, not people who held knifes behind each others back.

Im not being used or abused or taken for granted

I’ll do some yoga and reflect, and not give any more chances.

Healing

My nails are growing again

Im not happy yet

But Ive lost the habit of tearing myself apart because of it

My body is healing

It wont be the same

But Ive started to love the history it has and holds

Im growing, slowly, up towards the sun

Lets hope a drought is not going to come

Because for now

Look at me

Taylor

Spark

I don’t want love

I just want to feel and see sparks

Like a faulty cable

Sparks flying between out lips and teeth

And intertwined tongues

I know I’ll end up getting electrocuted or burnt

But for now I will enjoy the fireworks

And the bonfire will come later

I want to have my heart forget its rhythm

Legs not know how to walk without wobbling

Stomach bubbling and fluttering

I will enjoy the blood rushing to my cheeks

I don’t give a fuck about the consequences

Light the firework

Plug in the cord

Let the sky be lit up

In lust

Not love

Taylor

love/pain

I wasn’t made for loving

Just for a bit of fun

I wont ask for your support

because that would just be dumb

Because I’m not worth the pain to love

My love isn’t worth the pain

you’ll be put through

Lets just leave it at friends

Because you can’t deal with my brain

Its missing a screw…

or two.

Taylor

Pain

The scars on my wrists

remind me of this

intense feeling of pain.

Not the blood rushing out

nor the blade of my skin.

But the darkness,

the pain,

the pain within.

Taylor

As someone who still carries scars from their past, they are a reminder of where I was, compared to where I am now. They show me the darkness and pain that I felt, and although sad to have to carry it with me, its a positive reminder of where I came from, and where I don’t want to go again.