sailor

Drowning in the sea

As I see how far you have gotten

I watch you sail into the sunset

You may come across another storm

But for now you are safe and warm

You may have a few scratches and leaks

But my god do you look beautiful

As you rock side to side

Stably over the waves

Stably

Taylor

Drowning in the sea is a metaphor for crying so much as I see a dear friend be in a better condition and place in their life. The strength they must have had amazes me, and moves me. Heres to you, and everyone else that overcomes their life difficulties. There will always be another storm, but you did well sailing through this one 🙂 xx

Eating

Why have I still not eaten breakfast at a time where some people would be having lunch?

Why do I eat all day when Im stressed or away?

Why do I love eating but also love hunger?

Taylor

Love myself

I can’t love someone else

I’m not ready

Saw something saying otherwise

Saying that you learn to love yourself through others loving you

No

Others love me and I just don’t

Others see this beauty somewhere in me

That I just can’t find

And I am trying everyday

But I just can’t understand how the thought of me can make someone smile

Or how my presence could be wanted

I don’t understand it

I don’t understand how I have been the one to break peoples hearts

I do understand

Its because I can’t love them

But they can love me

Something that I can’t do either

Taylor

Spark

I don’t want love

I just want to feel and see sparks

Like a faulty cable

Sparks flying between out lips and teeth

And intertwined tongues

I know I’ll end up getting electrocuted or burnt

But for now I will enjoy the fireworks

And the bonfire will come later

I want to have my heart forget its rhythm

Legs not know how to walk without wobbling

Stomach bubbling and fluttering

I will enjoy the blood rushing to my cheeks

I don’t give a fuck about the consequences

Light the firework

Plug in the cord

Let the sky be lit up

In lust

Not love

Taylor

Glamourise

Sorry for making it sound beautiful

I know its not something to be proud of

But its part of me

So I will write it in imagery

Like the roses pouring out of my skin

Or the thought of me drifting into the starless night

The endless sky

I’m not trying to glamourise it

But I have to

Because if not

How do I live with myself

With what I do

Except for make it something beautiful

But for me, not you.

Taylor

People can find it upsetting when reading things that glamourise sensitive subjects like self harm, or depression. And I understand their worry of making it something beautiful and making it something to look up to or try. But I have to write it as though its beautiful, because its part of me, part of my scars, and the missing serotonin. And I know it isn’t beautiful, but I need to see the beauty.

my purpose

And I will drown myself in water

Because they have taken away the pills

And the alcohol

I will pour everything I can down the sink

Because my blood no longer flows from my skin

They took away the blades

But they didn’t take away the pain within

I will deafen myself with music because I no longer want to scream

Because screaming is a cry for help and I don’t want it

I don’t want to get better because this is what I know

I don’t want to change because I’ve never been a better writer than right now

But even now I’m still shit

And I don’t know how else to deal with pain

Of the lack of it

I know I should feel upset but all I feel is inspiration

I know I should be angry, but all I see is words

And all I hear is words

That might not rhyme

But my god do they sound good to me

So I’m sorry for what I’ve caused or what feelings this ignites within you

But maybe that’s my purpose

And I’m really looking for things to keep me alive

So if that’s the one

Then I’ll take what I can get

Taylor

I wrote this mid break-down (if you couldn’t tell) and its although quite sad, its powerful, its me saying that I have this reason to live, however silly it may be, and times might be rough but I will hold on to it.