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trigger

I sometimes loose control of my body

My hands smack into my head repeatedly

My eyes water with no end

My heart rushes and bangs through my chest

This can be caused when I have strong feelings that my brain can’t process.

I wanted to sleep for hours and I couldn’t

I wanted to feel cared for and I didn’t

I wanted to be respected and I wasn’t

So my body shut down, everything went to the beat of my heart

My hands came up, and my knuckles got bruised, and my scalp got cut, and my head wanted to lose.

I woke up the next day and saw the torn up sheet from all my shaking

I woke up and felt my hands aching

I woke up and my heart hadn’t yet stopped

The worst part is, is that normally I trigger this, with dark thoughts or loss of hope

But this time it was people, who I loved or thought I did

And so my world has crashed, and behind the pretty paintings I now see all the ash

So this is the time for me, and new beginnings, and people who I admire and look up to, not people who held knifes behind each others back.

Im not being used or abused or taken for granted

I’ll do some yoga and reflect, and not give any more chances.

Keep on telling myself

You love to hard

Not hard enough

No one will like you

You act too tough

Open your doors

But only a crack

If not they will swing

All the way back

And no ones ready for your demons

No ones ready for the truth

So just smile and tell a lie

There’s too many people to lose

Not ready to say goodbye

Taylor

insomnia

I made myself believe in monsters

And demons and ghosts

Because they were the explanations

That I could get away with the most

Instead of explaining my mental health

I could blame it on my imagination

On my lack of education

But no

Its insomnia

Its stress

Its anxiety and depression

That wrap me up in bed

And they keep my eyes wide open and red

They keep the pressure in my head

The pain in my body

They keep me from getting help

I called them monsters

and monsters they are

Taylot

Fall or fly

And I fall sometimes

I fall

Or am I just flying

It feels like Im dying

Yet weightless

Every problem off my shoulder

Am I gliding? Surviving?

Or will I hit the ground in a crash

I never know how far down I’ll go

Before my wings open up again

But Im scared that one day they wont

Taylor

Naked

If you saw my body

You would want to close your eyes

Or at least have myself cover

The scarred wrists and thighs

You would try to ignore it

But you wont be able to

Because who wants to look at this

Cut up flesh

Sliced skin

Some still healing

But some fresh

Some are scarred

But still deep

But those ones will always be there

The others wont, hopefully

Taylor

Opening up : as someone with self-harm scars I cant even look at my body at times, so the thought of someone seeing them again, scares me. But whoops i guess, im using it as a reason to try to stop, which has kinda worked but not completely…. but yeah slowly but surely

Bonfire recipe (full version)

I tried to put all the pieces together

But they didn’t quite fit

Tried using duct tape and glue

Kept hammering nails into it

But all it did was damage the wood

Over and over again

And… I wish I could say they gave me the wrong tools

Or they gave me the wrong set and pieces

But somehow I just feel like it’s my fault

I’m just not the carpenter I thought I could be

So I’m sitting here in the rubble of disappointment

And wondering why I was never good enough to build it

And there is no more space for nails and bolts

And I have run out of duct tape

And I’ve got no more money or strength to go out and buy more

So I’m sitting here…

Burning thoughts in the flames

And pretending that I was constructing a bonfire all along

Because I was

Taylor

Home

I cant move out, it was a trap all along

Once you call it your home you never want to leave

You don’t want to pack up all your baggage

You won’t let yourself repaint all the walls

Trying to cover where you’ve picked and scratched it all off

I don’t want to leave this house because the windows keep me safe

They block out all the sunlight so I have the right lighting to write

The block out all the voices and the headaches

But they block them from the outside

Which is just what I need

And what I want

And what I’m used to now

So I wouldn’t have it any other way

I mean I can’t

But if i could I’d probably choose to keep it the same

Because you never want to move out of your home

I would never choose to be sane

Taylor