I sometimes loose control of my body

My hands smack into my head repeatedly

My eyes water with no end

My heart rushes and bangs through my chest

This can be caused when I have strong feelings that my brain can’t process.

I wanted to sleep for hours and I couldn’t

I wanted to feel cared for and I didn’t

I wanted to be respected and I wasn’t

So my body shut down, everything went to the beat of my heart

My hands came up, and my knuckles got bruised, and my scalp got cut, and my head wanted to lose.

I woke up the next day and saw the torn up sheet from all my shaking

I woke up and felt my hands aching

I woke up and my heart hadn’t yet stopped

The worst part is, is that normally I trigger this, with dark thoughts or loss of hope

But this time it was people, who I loved or thought I did

And so my world has crashed, and behind the pretty paintings I now see all the ash

So this is the time for me, and new beginnings, and people who I admire and look up to, not people who held knifes behind each others back.

Im not being used or abused or taken for granted

I’ll do some yoga and reflect, and not give any more chances.


I’m falling down the rabbit-hole

with no clue of what I’ll find.

See magic has its different ways,

and who knows which is mine?

It could be dark and full of terror,

howling all through the night.

Or it could be lovely, nice and sweet,

where everything is bright…

But then again, it could be both,

with no certainty at all.

Or it could just be emptiness,

where all I do is fall.


The rabbit-hole is an idea I find in a lot of my poetry, its a metaphor for mental-health, depression, loosing yourself. In this poem, its a question about where my journey is going, will it be like my nightmares, or my wishes… or will it always go up and down, good and bad…. or will it never go anywhere, will I be in this constant feeling of trying to find myself.