trigger

I sometimes loose control of my body

My hands smack into my head repeatedly

My eyes water with no end

My heart rushes and bangs through my chest

This can be caused when I have strong feelings that my brain can’t process.

I wanted to sleep for hours and I couldn’t

I wanted to feel cared for and I didn’t

I wanted to be respected and I wasn’t

So my body shut down, everything went to the beat of my heart

My hands came up, and my knuckles got bruised, and my scalp got cut, and my head wanted to lose.

I woke up the next day and saw the torn up sheet from all my shaking

I woke up and felt my hands aching

I woke up and my heart hadn’t yet stopped

The worst part is, is that normally I trigger this, with dark thoughts or loss of hope

But this time it was people, who I loved or thought I did

And so my world has crashed, and behind the pretty paintings I now see all the ash

So this is the time for me, and new beginnings, and people who I admire and look up to, not people who held knifes behind each others back.

Im not being used or abused or taken for granted

I’ll do some yoga and reflect, and not give any more chances.

Fall

I thought my feet were placed firmly
Never again would I fall
Would I trip over a smile
Or tumble over your eyes
But I do, every day now
And I can’t tell what’s more stupid
The fact that I fell, or that I’m still falling

tears

She has a sparkle in her eyes
Her cheeks rosy and glistening
She has full pink lips singing the words to their song
Screaming their favourite part
Black running down her face
Scratches on her head
Her heart aches
But it aches for him
Taylor

Wish I could say this depicted me, but it doesn’t. That is why this is nearly completely about images, and colours instead of feelings. Maybe one day I could write this from a personal emotional perspective but I would have to go through it to write about it

Not to love

What is it like not to love
Or at least not yet?
I would tell you but there isnt much to it
Loss and grief are easy
Comitment is hard
I still feel warm around the right people
But if I lost them I would only have to adjust my routine
Taylor

Sorry

I’m sorry for hurting you
Just because I had to doesn’t mean its not true
I needed to put myself first
But the pain was put through you
I had to let you go
So I could grow
I’m sorry… but
Maybe you should try it too
Taylor

love

It’s so important to love yourself but I forgot
I needed others to do what I could not
I wore my heart on my sleeves
Like bait in a trap
Waiting to hear the crack
and the sound of it closing down
But I didn’t realize that the bait would be ate
and they would take a bite, each time it striked
Taylor

Especially when your young, its hard to love yourself when you have never been loved (romantically not family). So we loose ourselves, trying to get someone to love us, changing for them, trying to be someone we are not.