Please

You think you could hurt me?
Well you didn’t, I swear
I didn’t spend nights crying
Prying
Myself to pieces
Like, why didn’t you care?

You think you can break me?
I call this character building
Blocks like Lego
Who I am
Kick it down
Ive got a new diagram
I rebuild myself better each time

You think you can love me?
Try harder

Please
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Falling trains


The train runs through pictures I wish would last longer
The babys crying is muted out by my music
I find myself falling in love with strangers
And dangers
The water looks so appetising from far away
And voices sound so much better
When there’s no one I’d rather around
The train feels like I’m falling
As the scenes pass from the back of my head to far away
As a good looking man winks at me from the opposite chairs
The sun is diluted by my sunglasses
I find myself uncomfortably taking up two seats
The same way I take up a double bed
Me squished, but everything else spread
My habitats look like I just disappear
Everything falls off me
Even my clothes
But dont worry… I always come back for them

Was I?

Was I just an after taste?
Of liquor and drugs
Of last nights mistakes

Was I just a lingering smell?
Cologne stuck to your sheets
Put under a spell

Was I just your walking stick?
To help you stumble
After you were sick

I never picked apart my feelings
I never ask why I chose you
I never lost sight of sailing back
Came home still loving true
But you had moved.

I am sober now
Remembering the warnings
The only person more fucked than me was you
I was calling our time together love
Because the withdrawal felt rough

I dont know how often I was sober
Or not hungover
Or fucking through the headache
Staying out and waking up late


But Ive been cutting toxins from my life
But wanting a new bender
That doesn’t fake a new forever

My room

And my room smells of alcohol again
And my room smells of me
Alone
And I really like it

There’s something comfortable about learning how to walk myself home
I’m learning how to stumble less

There’s something comforting about my responsibility only being myself

My rooms a mess
But in my defence there isn’t anywhere to hang anything and there aren’t any drawers

My room is new, but its mine and the sheets are bright white
And in the sunlight i wake up happy
I’m waking up to sunlight again
And staying in it

dried up paint

Scraping dried up paint from under my fingernails
With a 2H
Writing shit with too many details
Its getting late

Lying down by my book
Kept company by my pencils
And my phone
But its only decoration right now

I love it when an addiction is just decor
I could be using it but I wouldn’t know what for
To pick you up
To start to scroll
But I don’t
To want to drink
A glass of wine
But I wont

To smoke a cigarette, to think about you...
But I do


I love it when I write
Because nothing really means anything
Apart from one word at a time
And everyone thinks it does
That theres a theme or a deeper meaning
That I thought about before I finished it
I didn’t
There isn’t
Its just me talking in my head
If my brain could talk
Its just the shit it woulda said
I find meaning in my writing
But I don’t write with meaning
I write with a pencil
And dried up paint

Boy bye

Sorry I’m not good enough 
What you wanted me to be
Sorry I’m not good enough
But you’re not good enough for me
You try to perfect my flaws
But I love my imperfections
You try to bring me down
But let me teach you a lesson

See, I know I’m not perfect
And know ill never be
But I need someone to love how I am
So I can be the best me
But see
I cant make you love me
No matter how hard I try
So I’m giving you up
Sorry, boy, bye.

trigger

I sometimes loose control of my body

My hands smack into my head repeatedly

My eyes water with no end

My heart rushes and bangs through my chest

This can be caused when I have strong feelings that my brain can’t process.

I wanted to sleep for hours and I couldn’t

I wanted to feel cared for and I didn’t

I wanted to be respected and I wasn’t

So my body shut down, everything went to the beat of my heart

My hands came up, and my knuckles got bruised, and my scalp got cut, and my head wanted to lose.

I woke up the next day and saw the torn up sheet from all my shaking

I woke up and felt my hands aching

I woke up and my heart hadn’t yet stopped

The worst part is, is that normally I trigger this, with dark thoughts or loss of hope

But this time it was people, who I loved or thought I did

And so my world has crashed, and behind the pretty paintings I now see all the ash

So this is the time for me, and new beginnings, and people who I admire and look up to, not people who held knifes behind each others back.

Im not being used or abused or taken for granted

I’ll do some yoga and reflect, and not give any more chances.

Woman

As a woman

Ive started to notice sexism in my social life. If I’m seen giving orders it’s “micromanaging” “okay mum” “controlling” where as if a man does these things he is listened to, its “teaching” or “helping”.

I allowed myself to be held by men in a way that made me feel uncomfortable but “was just friendly”, talked to and about hyper sexually as an object to be seen and touched.

As a woman I am starting to be scared at how much I can see is based on nothing but my gender, no matter how much I know about an area, there will always be a dumber, more stupid man being listened to by many more.

When I use my sexuality to my advantage, as a way to make money, and to gain confidence. It’s seen as easy, a waste.

Lifeless

I wasn’t ready for you

Like a bird that can’t yet fly

How could I teach you to

Lifeless

Drained of all my strength

Drained of life

Lifeless

Is how I was left

But I’m back

And I’m teaching myself how to fly

So one day you will too

And I’ll be soaring through the skies

Before I ever get to meet you

Because I need to go through the worst

To teach you to navigate a storm

And feel the best

So that you can always feel my warmth

But today was not the time

As I have yet to build a nest

But one day I hope I will feel your life against my chest

Taylor Hopewell