Depression isn’t beautiful

I know it’s not romantic, I don’t look pretty when I cry

I know it’s not sexy as blood drips down my thigh

I know it hurts to see someone you love look just like me

Messy hair, unbrushed for days, bags under their eyes for every hour awake, red swollen lips from crying all night, my eyes full of fright

It’s not beautiful yet

But it might

When my eyes look bright

And my hair brushed

And showered body

And making art and writing a lot

But right now it isn’t beautiful, because I feel like I’m not

I don’t even know what to think

Out of sight out of mind

Close the door out of line

Why did you say that

What the fuck that’s not nice

That’s not the way u treat guys

That’s a good joke

You’re joking right

Hahahaha wait is it a joke

Or was it what I just said

Am I wrong or is this in my head

I can’t take in all the things

What have I just read?

My thoughts as I go to bed

Just writting about how I feel

When a situation feels unreal

Is it what I felt or what I feel

Do I know this is my own skin

Or does it just feel like a different body I’m living in

Is it the drugs, the weed, the alcohol

That’s making me feel like I’m out of it all

Out of my mind

Im going insane

Feeling like a fucking video game

Feeling like I’ve got to control

Every little inch

Whack a mole

Whack me out

of this skitz life

Im thinking about

Suicide hotline

What do you think is going to happen

To everyone who calls and is left waiting for 5-10-20 minutes

Who feel like even a hotline is not even there to help

Who have pushed themselves to dial

But can’t push themselves to wait

I needed you, and not even you could take the weight

Taylor Hopewell

You can’t ask a broken person

To believe your words with no actions

With contrary reactions

With promises unkept

You can’t ask me to believe that you love me

When what I want is just hug me

All I need is a friend

I can’t feel loved if you leave me

I can’t feel loved if you don’t care

I want to feel like you need me

But you only try to get me out your hair

Taylor Hopewell

Repeating

I’m telling myself don’t do it

You’re worth it in this world

But I never feel like I’m included

I just feel like an extra girl

I don’t want to be lying

On my sheets stained in my blood

But that pain is oh so tempting

Get me away from these feelings

They are always so absurd

And I know people would be broken

Would be wondering what they didn’t do

But fuck is it difficult when I wish I was more like you

And I don’t want to live

Because Ill never be happy enough to

I wish

I wish I wasn’t scared of walking alone

In the dark, trying to get home

I wish I could say we are in a better world

But every time a drunk man walks by

I try to act really bold

And really strong and really angry

Like there’s nothing that could stop me

But he could, and he has, and I will always fear that this time will be like the last

The world won’t change no matter the year

Orange juice

I want to live off orange juice

People say it makes you happy

Why doesn’t it work as I’m guzzling it down in a way too big for me tshirt

With tears pouring down my face I hold my hand against my mouth so no one can hear how much I hurt

I just want to be happy, but it’s never enough, I’m not tough, I’m feeling rough, rougher then before

With a closed door and happy noises on the other side

Just let me in, let me be there, just one time