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I sometimes loose control of my body

My hands smack into my head repeatedly

My eyes water with no end

My heart rushes and bangs through my chest

This can be caused when I have strong feelings that my brain can’t process.

I wanted to sleep for hours and I couldn’t

I wanted to feel cared for and I didn’t

I wanted to be respected and I wasn’t

So my body shut down, everything went to the beat of my heart

My hands came up, and my knuckles got bruised, and my scalp got cut, and my head wanted to lose.

I woke up the next day and saw the torn up sheet from all my shaking

I woke up and felt my hands aching

I woke up and my heart hadn’t yet stopped

The worst part is, is that normally I trigger this, with dark thoughts or loss of hope

But this time it was people, who I loved or thought I did

And so my world has crashed, and behind the pretty paintings I now see all the ash

So this is the time for me, and new beginnings, and people who I admire and look up to, not people who held knifes behind each others back.

Im not being used or abused or taken for granted

I’ll do some yoga and reflect, and not give any more chances.

What I did today?

I resigned from my job, with immediate effect. Honestly I know my limits, and as much as I loved the opportunity, the role requires a lot of emotional support and stress regulation that I don’t have just yet.

So I quit, to give myself time to heal, and time to find myself and my happiness again. What a ride it’s been and although filled with fear of what’s going to happen, I’m also feeling this weight off my shoulders that my mental health will no longer let down my employer or the students that would wait for there day with me all week only to find that I didn’t have the mental strength to walk in the doors.

Please

I want to be loved and thought about when I’m not there

I want stupid messages and flowers that you’ve walked past or something that shows that even in your own life and world I always exist.

I want a message stuck or written on my forehead so that when I wake up, i already know .

I want to know that I’m loved

But I can’t even remember where I took off my glasses last night, never mind remembering that you love me, so love me …please

Woman

As a woman

Ive started to notice sexism in my social life. If I’m seen giving orders it’s “micromanaging” “okay mum” “controlling” where as if a man does these things he is listened to, its “teaching” or “helping”.

I allowed myself to be held by men in a way that made me feel uncomfortable but “was just friendly”, talked to and about hyper sexually as an object to be seen and touched.

As a woman I am starting to be scared at how much I can see is based on nothing but my gender, no matter how much I know about an area, there will always be a dumber, more stupid man being listened to by many more.

When I use my sexuality to my advantage, as a way to make money, and to gain confidence. It’s seen as easy, a waste.

Depression isn’t beautiful

I know it’s not romantic, I don’t look pretty when I cry

I know it’s not sexy as blood drips down my thigh

I know it hurts to see someone you love look just like me

Messy hair, unbrushed for days, bags under their eyes for every hour awake, red swollen lips from crying all night, my eyes full of fright

It’s not beautiful yet

But it might

When my eyes look bright

And my hair brushed

And showered body

And making art and writing a lot

But right now it isn’t beautiful, because I feel like I’m not

I don’t even know what to think

Out of sight out of mind

Close the door out of line

Why did you say that

What the fuck that’s not nice

That’s not the way u treat guys

That’s a good joke

You’re joking right

Hahahaha wait is it a joke

Or was it what I just said

Am I wrong or is this in my head

I can’t take in all the things

What have I just read?

My thoughts as I go to bed

Just writting about how I feel

When a situation feels unreal

Is it what I felt or what I feel

Do I know this is my own skin

Or does it just feel like a different body I’m living in

Is it the drugs, the weed, the alcohol

That’s making me feel like I’m out of it all

Out of my mind

Im going insane

Feeling like a fucking video game

Feeling like I’ve got to control

Every little inch

Whack a mole

Whack me out

of this skitz life

Im thinking about

Suicide hotline

What do you think is going to happen

To everyone who calls and is left waiting for 5-10-20 minutes

Who feel like even a hotline is not even there to help

Who have pushed themselves to dial

But can’t push themselves to wait

I needed you, and not even you could take the weight

Taylor Hopewell