Scraping dried up paint from under my fingernails
With a 2H
Writing shit with too many details
Its getting late
Lying down by my book
Kept company by my pencils
And my phone
But its only decoration right now
I love it when an addiction is just decor
I could be using it but I wouldn’t know what for
To pick you up
To start to scroll
But I don’t
To want to drink
A glass of wine
But I wont
To smoke a cigarette, to think about you...
But I do
I love it when I write
Because nothing really means anything
Apart from one word at a time
And everyone thinks it does
That theres a theme or a deeper meaning
That I thought about before I finished it
I didn’t
There isn’t
Its just me talking in my head
If my brain could talk
Its just the shit it woulda said
I find meaning in my writing
But I don’t write with meaning
I write with a pencil
And dried up paint
Tag: Sad
Woman
As a woman
Ive started to notice sexism in my social life. If I’m seen giving orders it’s “micromanaging” “okay mum” “controlling” where as if a man does these things he is listened to, its “teaching” or “helping”.
I allowed myself to be held by men in a way that made me feel uncomfortable but “was just friendly”, talked to and about hyper sexually as an object to be seen and touched.
As a woman I am starting to be scared at how much I can see is based on nothing but my gender, no matter how much I know about an area, there will always be a dumber, more stupid man being listened to by many more.
When I use my sexuality to my advantage, as a way to make money, and to gain confidence. It’s seen as easy, a waste.
I don’t even know what to think
Out of sight out of mind
Close the door out of line
Why did you say that
What the fuck that’s not nice
That’s not the way u treat guys
That’s a good joke
You’re joking right
Hahahaha wait is it a joke
Or was it what I just said
Am I wrong or is this in my head
I can’t take in all the things
What have I just read?
My thoughts as I go to bed
Just writting about how I feel
When a situation feels unreal
Is it what I felt or what I feel
Do I know this is my own skin
Or does it just feel like a different body I’m living in
Is it the drugs, the weed, the alcohol
That’s making me feel like I’m out of it all
Out of my mind
Im going insane
Feeling like a fucking video game
Feeling like I’ve got to control
Every little inch
Whack a mole
Whack me out
of this skitz life
Im thinking about
You can’t ask a broken person
To believe your words with no actions
With contrary reactions
With promises unkept
You can’t ask me to believe that you love me
When what I want is just hug me
All I need is a friend
I can’t feel loved if you leave me
I can’t feel loved if you don’t care
I want to feel like you need me
But you only try to get me out your hair
Taylor Hopewell
Lifeless
I wasn’t ready for you
Like a bird that can’t yet fly
How could I teach you to
Lifeless
Drained of all my strength
Drained of life
Lifeless
Is how I was left
But I’m back
And I’m teaching myself how to fly
So one day you will too
And I’ll be soaring through the skies
Before I ever get to meet you
Because I need to go through the worst
To teach you to navigate a storm
And feel the best
So that you can always feel my warmth
But today was not the time
As I have yet to build a nest
But one day I hope I will feel your life against my chest
Taylor Hopewell
Evolve
Evolution kicks in when everything is nearly extinct
and dies
I’ve died so many times
Too many failed tries
Was I dying, or just trying
to change my life
Because it did, and I grew stronger and kinder and weaker where I need
And I learnt so many lessons I am now able to teach
I came so far, places I never thought I’d reach
I don’t think I really wanted it to end
I just wanted it to all be different
and different… it is
Taylor
With many failed attempts behind me, I still struggle everyday and night, but I know how much I have not only helped myself but others. I am proud of having the courage to share my past, because I’m making a change in the future. Who knows if I can save myself, or someone else, but I will live everyday as a support for people who need it, giving out the advice I cant always give to myself. I hope my story doesn’t end soon, because darkness is beautiful and strong.
tears
She has a sparkle in her eyes
Her cheeks rosy and glistening
She has full pink lips singing the words to their song
Screaming their favourite part
Black running down her face
Scratches on her head
Her heart aches
But it aches for him
Taylor
Wish I could say this depicted me, but it doesn’t. That is why this is nearly completely about images, and colours instead of feelings. Maybe one day I could write this from a personal emotional perspective but I would have to go through it to write about it
Not to love
What is it like not to love
Or at least not yet?
I would tell you but there isnt much to it
Loss and grief are easy
Comitment is hard
I still feel warm around the right people
But if I lost them I would only have to adjust my routine
Taylor
Healing
My nails are growing again
Im not happy yet
But Ive lost the habit of tearing myself apart because of it
My body is healing
It wont be the same
But Ive started to love the history it has and holds
Im growing, slowly, up towards the sun
Lets hope a drought is not going to come
Because for now
Look at me
Taylor
See the future
I can see the future
But I looked into the crystal ball
and…
Crack.
It fills itself
Black.
I could see the future,
Until I tried
To see mine
Taylor