Tag: depression

Please

You think you could hurt me?
Well you didn’t, I swear 
I didn’t spend nights crying
Prying
Myself to pieces
Like, why didn’t you care?

You think you can break me?
I call this character building
Blocks like Lego 
Who I am
Kick it down
Ive got a new diagram
I rebuild myself better each time

You think you can love me?
Try harder

Please
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Love

Loving people is scary
I love to much 
And I love to many

Loving people hurts alot 
Like letting go 
of all the rot

Bandages don’t hurt to put on
But they hurt to pull off
So I just let my wounds bleed and scab
And I pick them till their numb

I pull out my own hair 
So that I don’t twist it thinking of them
I scratch my own back
So I don’t need to ask for help

But I can’t eat my own pussy

Was I?

Was I just an after taste?
Of liquor and drugs
Of last nights mistakes

Was I just a lingering smell?
Cologne stuck to your sheets
Put under a spell

Was I just your walking stick?
To help you stumble
After you were sick

I never picked apart my feelings
I never ask why I chose you
I never lost sight of sailing back
Came home still loving true
But you had moved.

I am sober now
Remembering the warnings
The only person more fucked than me was you
I was calling our time together love
Because the withdrawal felt rough

I dont know how often I was sober
Or not hungover
Or fucking through the headache
Staying out and waking up late


But Ive been cutting toxins from my life
But wanting a new bender
That doesn’t fake a new forever

no creative freedom please

Everything is easier when it feels like a movie
Somethings just 
sometimes,
click
into place
Like I have just directed the perfect scene
And no one has forgotten their lines

But, 
Most days are chaotic
No one sticks to their script
I get lost in their mistakes
Why cant they be their characters

Most days feel like hell
Like trying to organise a group of toddlers
and all they do is yell
It feels like trying to find where you are on the wrong map
Or trying to write a message with a calculator
BOOBS and HELLO 
Is all I've got

Most days I'm so tired
That my hands start to dream
And my feet melt
And my mind wanders
I pretend that I could be anyone anywhere and that it's my choice to be here and like this
And I know that it is but I don't want it to be
I want to move and change my name, and my hair, and my voice, and what I wear

this film doesn’t seem to be working out
I might just start another
And I’m hoping it doesn’t have to end, to turn around
Im always getting so close to that last full stop sound.

Harming

Ive stopped harming myself
With bottles and bottles every night
But it was less painful than trying to sleep sober

Ive stopped harming myself
With knives that I bring wherever I go
But all the new tattoos burn for longer

Ive stopped harming myself
By bottomless love
But I cry more, just alone.

Have I really stopped harming myself
Or is trying to be strong just the newest one

Giving up

While making positive change
It still feels like giving up
Giving up parts of me I’ve been known for

Ive lost the drunken confidence
Ive lost the late night calls
Ive lost the spontaneity of writing
and of writing on the walls

I no longer feel easy
I feel everything a chore
Waking up is easier
But just such a bore

Ive given up on holidays
I spent it all on booze
Ive given up on the love
I always seem to lose

I gave up on my innocence
While earning back what i lost
I gave up on my phone
And everything that it cost

My sobriety

Everything feels so much more romantic
When you have drunk tinted memories
The first words, dances, kisses
Mean nothing in my sobriety

I feel like I’ve lost memories
But maybe I just see them clearer

It’s nice to look through the fog
Through the raindrops
Pouring down the window
Adding excitement to an overclouded, gloomy day.

Everything’s feels easier
When your body moves itself
The first words,dances,kisses
Are so tiring in my sobriety

I feel like I’m not myself
But maybe I’m just admitting I never know her

I’m learning to be as fun as I used to be
As confident as I always was
To feel like myself when I have nothing to take me away
It’s hard being me, all the time

I miss the loss of control, of memories, of people
I miss fighting, and fucking till stupid hours in the morning 
I miss falling into bed with someone I just met
Or someone that I know

But inhibitions are protecting me from something
My bodys telling itself not to open up just yet