Orange juice

I want to live off orange juice

People say it makes you happy

Why doesn’t it work as I’m guzzling it down in a way too big for me tshirt

With tears pouring down my face I hold my hand against my mouth so no one can hear how much I hurt

I just want to be happy, but it’s never enough, I’m not tough, I’m feeling rough, rougher then before

With a closed door and happy noises on the other side

Just let me in, let me be there, just one time


I wasn’t ready for you

Like a bird that can’t yet fly

How could I teach you to


Drained of all my strength

Drained of life


Is how I was left

But I’m back

And I’m teaching myself how to fly

So one day you will too

And I’ll be soaring through the skies

Before I ever get to meet you

Because I need to go through the worst

To teach you to navigate a storm

And feel the best

So that you can always feel my warmth

But today was not the time

As I have yet to build a nest

But one day I hope I will feel your life against my chest

Taylor Hopewell

Suicide pact

Like an unspoken suicide pact

I saw the pills were all gone

I thought you took them

So I took them too

I followed suit

Only to then see a bunch of fucking pills in the loo


As I drifted in and out of consciousness

Reality leaving my grasp

You smashed the door open

Grabbed me by the neck

Why did you do that, why couldn’t you just have left?

I remember my throat hurting from your fingers down my throat

Tried remember holding on, and slowly letting go

Waking up in a white bed

Following tubes in and out they flow

Sucked dry from my escape

But I’m happy it didn’t show

Because the next day, life went on

Only you know

Know what happened that night, that even I don’t


Im sorry daddy hurt you

But what was I to do?

I can’t be still to blame

For the things I didn’t do

It wasn’t me

Im sorry

That you see him in my eyes

That you see your pain in me

But what am I to do?

I can’t change the things he did to you

If I could I would


machine me

My scars don’t define me

They are merely scratches on the surface of this body

This body that I hold

I am my body and my past, but it is not me

That’s how I gain my confidence

By knowing I am so much more than my physical

I’m actually not what’s visible at all

I am a mind, and a soul, that can’t be seen only felt

Can not be explained only experienced

I love the body that contains me

Even tho it has been harmed

I love the bones that keep me upright

Structures and alarmed,

with triggers and buttons that only I know best

But I am missing one button that allows me to rest

I know the procedure, but don’t have the code

My body is a machine, that I must decipher

If I want to be released from this world

I must try to figure out combinations and patterns and passwords

To fully experience myself, I must understand the key

To unlocking to door, to set me free

My body is mine, but it is not me

The world is a place that I can’t quite see

Can’t see past the glass windows mistaken for eyes

or feel past the sensors thought to be skin

or the control centre…my mind



I made myself believe in monsters

And demons and ghosts

Because they were the explanations

That I could get away with the most

Instead of explaining my mental health

I could blame it on my imagination

On my lack of education

But no

Its insomnia

Its stress

Its anxiety and depression

That wrap me up in bed

And they keep my eyes wide open and red

They keep the pressure in my head

The pain in my body

They keep me from getting help

I called them monsters

and monsters they are



Evolution kicks in when everything is nearly extinct

and dies

I’ve died so many times

Too many failed tries

Was I dying, or just trying

to change my life

Because it did, and I grew stronger and kinder and weaker where I need

And I learnt so many lessons I am now able to teach

I came so far, places I never thought I’d reach

I don’t think I really wanted it to end

I just wanted it to all be different

and different… it is


With many failed attempts behind me, I still struggle everyday and night, but I know how much I have not only helped myself but others. I am proud of having the courage to share my past, because I’m making a change in the future. Who knows if I can save myself, or someone else, but I will live everyday as a support for people who need it, giving out the advice I cant always give to myself. I hope my story doesn’t end soon, because darkness is beautiful and strong.