I know it’s not romantic, I don’t look pretty when I cry
I know it’s not sexy as blood drips down my thigh
I know it hurts to see someone you love look just like me
Messy hair, unbrushed for days, bags under their eyes for every hour awake, red swollen lips from crying all night, my eyes full of fright
It’s not beautiful yet
But it might
When my eyes look bright
And my hair brushed
And showered body
And making art and writing a lot
But right now it isn’t beautiful, because I feel like I’m not
I don’t even know what to think
Out of sight out of mind
Close the door out of line
Why did you say that
What the fuck that’s not nice
That’s not the way u treat guys
That’s a good joke
You’re joking right
Hahahaha wait is it a joke
Or was it what I just said
Am I wrong or is this in my head
I can’t take in all the things
What have I just read?
My thoughts as I go to bed
Just writting about how I feel
When a situation feels unreal
Is it what I felt or what I feel
Do I know this is my own skin
Or does it just feel like a different body I’m living in
Is it the drugs, the weed, the alcohol
That’s making me feel like I’m out of it all
Out of my mind
Im going insane
Feeling like a fucking video game
Feeling like I’ve got to control
Every little inch
Whack a mole
Whack me out
of this skitz life
Im thinking about
Keep on telling myself
You love to hard
Not hard enough
No one will like you
You act too tough
Open your doors
But only a crack
If not they will swing
All the way back
And no ones ready for your demons
No ones ready for the truth
So just smile and tell a lie
There’s too many people to lose
Not ready to say goodbye
Taylor
Suicide hotline
What do you think is going to happen
To everyone who calls and is left waiting for 5-10-20 minutes
Who feel like even a hotline is not even there to help
Who have pushed themselves to dial
But can’t push themselves to wait
I needed you, and not even you could take the weight
Taylor Hopewell
You can’t ask a broken person
To believe your words with no actions
With contrary reactions
With promises unkept
You can’t ask me to believe that you love me
When what I want is just hug me
All I need is a friend
I can’t feel loved if you leave me
I can’t feel loved if you don’t care
I want to feel like you need me
But you only try to get me out your hair
Taylor Hopewell
Repeating
I’m telling myself don’t do it
You’re worth it in this world
But I never feel like I’m included
I just feel like an extra girl
I don’t want to be lying
On my sheets stained in my blood
But that pain is oh so tempting
Get me away from these feelings
They are always so absurd
And I know people would be broken
Would be wondering what they didn’t do
But fuck is it difficult when I wish I was more like you
And I don’t want to live
Because Ill never be happy enough to
Fall
I thought my feet were placed firmly
Never again would I fall
Would I trip over a smile
Or tumble over your eyes
But I do, every day now
And I can’t tell what’s more stupid
The fact that I fell, or that I’m still falling
I wish
I wish I wasn’t scared of walking alone
In the dark, trying to get home
I wish I could say we are in a better world
But every time a drunk man walks by
I try to act really bold
And really strong and really angry
Like there’s nothing that could stop me
But he could, and he has, and I will always fear that this time will be like the last
The world won’t change no matter the year
Scared to lose
And I’ve never been so scared
Scared for my life
As the thought of loosing you
But I just did, and I’m guilty
Guilty of being the one that did it
I caused my pain
Once again, it’s me, it always is
It will always be
Orange juice
I want to live off orange juice
People say it makes you happy
Why doesn’t it work as I’m guzzling it down in a way too big for me tshirt
With tears pouring down my face I hold my hand against my mouth so no one can hear how much I hurt
I just want to be happy, but it’s never enough, I’m not tough, I’m feeling rough, rougher then before
With a closed door and happy noises on the other side
Just let me in, let me be there, just one time