Spark

I don’t want love

I just want to feel and see sparks

Like a faulty cable

Sparks flying between out lips and teeth

And intertwined tongues

I know I’ll end up getting electrocuted or burnt

But for now I will enjoy the fireworks

And the bonfire will come later

I want to have my heart forget its rhythm

Legs not know how to walk without wobbling

Stomach bubbling and fluttering

I will enjoy the blood rushing to my cheeks

I don’t give a fuck about the consequences

Light the firework

Plug in the cord

Let the sky be lit up

In lust

Not love

Taylor

I will be good

I’ll be good,

one day.

I won’t need to call you in tears

crying about all the wasted years

and how they were all for nothing.

I won’t need to stack up the pills,

or make sure there’s always something,

pointy or sharp.

I’ll be good,

good enough

to be able to laugh and not shake,

to be wondering about the future

not IF I have one.

I will be good.

I hope.

Taylor

Glamourise

Sorry for making it sound beautiful

I know its not something to be proud of

But its part of me

So I will write it in imagery

Like the roses pouring out of my skin

Or the thought of me drifting into the starless night

The endless sky

I’m not trying to glamourise it

But I have to

Because if not

How do I live with myself

With what I do

Except for make it something beautiful

But for me, not you.

Taylor

People can find it upsetting when reading things that glamourise sensitive subjects like self harm, or depression. And I understand their worry of making it something beautiful and making it something to look up to or try. But I have to write it as though its beautiful, because its part of me, part of my scars, and the missing serotonin. And I know it isn’t beautiful, but I need to see the beauty.

my purpose

And I will drown myself in water

Because they have taken away the pills

And the alcohol

I will pour everything I can down the sink

Because my blood no longer flows from my skin

They took away the blades

But they didn’t take away the pain within

I will deafen myself with music because I no longer want to scream

Because screaming is a cry for help and I don’t want it

I don’t want to get better because this is what I know

I don’t want to change because I’ve never been a better writer than right now

But even now I’m still shit

And I don’t know how else to deal with pain

Of the lack of it

I know I should feel upset but all I feel is inspiration

I know I should be angry, but all I see is words

And all I hear is words

That might not rhyme

But my god do they sound good to me

So I’m sorry for what I’ve caused or what feelings this ignites within you

But maybe that’s my purpose

And I’m really looking for things to keep me alive

So if that’s the one

Then I’ll take what I can get

Taylor

I wrote this mid break-down (if you couldn’t tell) and its although quite sad, its powerful, its me saying that I have this reason to live, however silly it may be, and times might be rough but I will hold on to it.

love/pain

I wasn’t made for loving

Just for a bit of fun

I wont ask for your support

because that would just be dumb

Because I’m not worth the pain to love

My love isn’t worth the pain

you’ll be put through

Lets just leave it at friends

Because you can’t deal with my brain

Its missing a screw…

or two.

Taylor

Bonfire recipe (full version)

I tried to put all the pieces together

But they didn’t quite fit

Tried using duct tape and glue

Kept hammering nails into it

But all it did was damage the wood

Over and over again

And… I wish I could say they gave me the wrong tools

Or they gave me the wrong set and pieces

But somehow I just feel like it’s my fault

I’m just not the carpenter I thought I could be

So I’m sitting here in the rubble of disappointment

And wondering why I was never good enough to build it

And there is no more space for nails and bolts

And I have run out of duct tape

And I’ve got no more money or strength to go out and buy more

So I’m sitting here…

Burning thoughts in the flames

And pretending that I was constructing a bonfire all along

Because I was

Taylor